Meltdown

There have only been a few times in my life where I go to bed upset and wake up still feeling upset.  However, once in awhile I wake up knowing that something in my little world is not right.  It happens after a big break up.  It happens after a loved one dies.  And, it happened this Saturday.


This weekend was our second Bootcamp, which is two days of long training of swim, bike/spin, run, and core/strength.  While Arizona is still six months away, I am also training for Vineman Aquabike, which is only two months away. Therefore, our workouts are getting longer as we finish up our "Build" phase.  


I understand that I am in charge of my own destiny, so to speak.  And, there are always different choices I can make.  I chose to take a job that requires travel.  And, I chose to sign up for an Ironman with having never formally trained for anything before (probably shouldn't have done that).  And, I chose to sign up to train with a team that is not based in the South Bay, since I wanted to do this with people I already knew.  So I didn't want to complain.  I kept saying to myself, "you make your own bed, you lie in it."  But, this weekend, I just fell apart.


Despite the long workouts, physically, I am ok.  Mentally, I am spent.  


I am tired of going through TSA every Monday morning, schlepping around two laptops, and continually effing up my shoulders and back.
I am tired of working long hours and trying to squeeze in what little workouts I can on the weekday and then feeling like crap because I'm not consistent.
I am tired of coming home on Thursday, grabbing my personal stuff out of my suitcase, and throwing it into a different overnight bag for the weekend, along with trying to figure out what else I need for the next few days.
I am tired of trying to get as much work done as I can on Fridays before 2pm, to get to Physical Therapy and then get to the East Bay before the 680 becomes horrendous.
I am tired of planning and assembling all the nutrition I am going to need for the long workouts.
I am tired of all the driving to/from weekend workouts (even though I'm not the one driving).
I am tired of finally getting home and then needing to stretch for a good half an hour, wash all the bottles, shower/change, decide what to eat/cook dinner, only to eat and do dishes and it be time to go to bed.
And, then on Sundays, I am tired of repeating everything from the day before, only to then have to drive back to the South Bay, unpack the weekend bag, unpack the suitcase still sitting there from Thursday, do laundry, re-pack, call for a cab for the morning, and start the whole process all over again.


I know that everyone has these feelings.  We each have something unique going on in our lives that make training even more challenging.  And, while what I just wrote really isn't that big of a deal, it's tiresome when it happens over and over again.  The house gets neglected.  Friends complain how they never see you or talk to you.  And, the sad part in all of this is that I just took a very relaxing vacation.  


I know I can get a roller bag to help with the laptops, but that requires time for me to shop.  I know I can workout in the mornings at the hotel to be more consistent, which I do when I don't have 7am meetings.  I'm sure there is a solution for everything I'm tired of listed above.  But, this past Saturday, that alarm went off at 5:30am and I felt awful.  Not tired.  But just plain awful.  So I cried my eyes out for 20 minutes, laid in bed for another half an hour thinking about how exhausting this whole process is, and then joined up with the team after the swim workout was complete.  I had another cry on the run.  And, even had a minor laugh/cry on Sunday's bike ride.  Hopefully I have released enough toxins to keep me sane for awhile.  Plus, it helps when I journal about all these things (the whole purpose of this blog).  
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